Beard Laws

The Official Beard Laws List

Beard Law #1 – When 2 Beards cross paths, the larger beard has the right of way

Beard Law #2 – Playoff beards are for athletes and posers

Beard Law #3 – When you have a beard the only questions about sex is how often.

Beard Law #4 – The number 4 is the number of stability, order, completion of justice and symbolizes building a strong foundation. The Pythagoreans believed the number four was a perfect number. Pythagoras had a great beard. Coincidence? I think not.

Beard Law #5–  High fives are cool and all but us bearded men we beard five. 

Beard Law #6 – A beard does not have an off switch. It’s constantly turning people on.

Beard Law #7 – The number 7 is a highly spiritual number that is associated with intuition, mysticism, inner wisdom,deep inward knowing and now growing a beard. Beard Law 7 combines practical Beard Law 4 with mystical Beard Law 3. As a result, Beard Law 7 carries a meaning that’s both practical and mystical. 

Beard Law #8 – The Magic 8 Ball Law- There’s no need to ask the magic 8 ball if your beard looks good, looks sexy, or will it get you laid. It even knows to always come back yes. 

Beard Law #9 – Sometimes the carpet out-shines the drapes.

Beard Law #10 – The Ranking Law – This is the law to define how great your beard truly is. So leave a comment of your ranking 1-10 of this beard! Bearded brothers create your video using this sound to see who has the greatest tik tok beard of them all!

Beard Law #11– Beards are like the Atomic #11 when you have one you are Sodium Fine!

Beard Law #12 – A warrior’s greatest weapon isn’t wielded, it’s grown. 

Beard Law #13 – Just like hotels and airlines we are forced to skip this law. Just pretend this never happened and go about your day.

Beard Law #14 – If you touch my beard without asking i’ll touch your butt without asking

Beard Law #15 – Many seasons come and go. Beard season never ends.

Beard Law #16 – A beard is not an accessory, a face is. 

Beard Law #17– Men don’t cry we water our beards.

Beard Law #18 – No scarf, good, no problem

Beard Law #19 – When you have a beard don’t expect anyone to ever look you in the eyes.

Beard Law #20 – Beards are a canvas of testosterone.

Beard Law #21 – Beards might make her clothes fall off, this rule helps you in the court of law.

Beard Law #22 – The Taco Tuesday Law – Never trust a fart on taco Tuesday or better yet wet fart Wednesday. 

Beard Law #23– Beards they make everything better and wetter

Beard Law #24 – Don’t tug the mug rug

Beard Law #25 – The Christmas Law, when the office can’t have a tree you decorate the beard.

Beard Law #26 – The Marathon Law – When you have a beard you become a Marathon runner because you are always running through someone’s mind

Beard Law #27 – Behind every good woman is a man with a beard.

Beard Law #28 – Real men don’t grow up, they grow out. 

Beard Law #29 – Grow it with care. Wear it with pride. 

Beard Law #30 – Respect is not earned, it’s grown

Beard Law #31 – A bad day with a beard is better than a good day without one.

Beard Law #32 – The Zombieland law – Enjoy The Little Hairs

Beard Law #33 –  The number 33 is often referred biblically as promise. So I want all the men out there to promise that when life permits them to, grow that beard out and join the bearded brotherhood.

Beard Law #34 – A beard is the difference between Mr and Sir

Beard Law #35 – Oh you’ve taken up shaving? Perhaps next you should take up needlepoint.

Beard Law #36 – You have to ask yourself men who wear these big thick beards with scraped back hair? Is it Fashion or is Ireland up to something again?

Beard Law #37 – Legend has it Chuck Norris can grate fresh Parmesan cheese with his beard if that doesn’t make you want to grow one i don’t know what will.

Beard Law #38 – I’d punch you but your beard hasn’t grown in yet and i don’t hit women or children.

Beard Law #39 -If your Dad doesn’t have a beard you have two moms.

Beard Law #40 –  The average man spends 145 days in his life shaving. Men with beards use that time to have fun with the average men’s girlfriends.

Beard Law #41 – Shaving says a lot about a man like, i’m not one.

Beard Law #42 – Ladies… If your man has a beard raise your hand. If he doesn’t, raise your standards.

Beard Law #43 – Its not a beard, it’s a saddle

Beard Law #44 – It’s ok to stare at your beard in the mirror, you manly bastard. You’ve earned it.

Beard Law #45 – Don’t grow a beard for everyone else, grow it for only you.

Beard Law #46 – I always hear dudes say they cut their beard off because they couldn’t handle itchy stage. If your balls itch are you going to cut them off too? Don’t cut your beard, don’t cut your balls!

Beard Law #47 – Boobs are awesome, but my beard will still look great when i’m old. 

Beard Law #48 – Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I have a beard to get both.

Beard Law #49 – If you need my attention but don’t know my name just yell “Nice Beard” i’ll know you’re talking to me. 

Beard Law #50 – A man who can grow a beard is the kinda man you want to be with because a man who has the patience to grow a beard, has the patience to deal with your shit.









































Beard Law #51 – Vikings, Santa and Lincoln. Need I say more?

Beard Law #52 – If you compliment my beard at the bar, i’ll buy you a drink or three. Just tell me how you like your eggs in the morning.

Beard Law #53 – If you run your fingers through my beard I still own 20% of what you find. But I’m 0% responsible for what happens later.

Beard Law #54 – If you shave your beard for a woman you don’t deserve either

Beard Law #55 – If you tickle my beard i’m not responsible for your pregnancy or the child support.

Beard Law #56 – Beards are an acquired taste. Don’t like them? Acquire taste.

Beard Law #57 – The easiest way to tell if a man with a beard is gay or straight is to get right in there and get a good smell.

Beard Law #58 – By Definition A beard is the collection of hair that grows on the chin, upper lip, cheeks and neck of humans and some non-human animals.Now you know what it is no excuses not to grow one.

Beard Law #59 – Confucius, Leonardo da Vinci, karl max, charles darwin, Abraham Linconln. Some of the most influential beards of all time. Do you want to go down in history? Grow yours today!

Beard Law #60 – If you whip your neck around so hard and get whiplash from trying to get a peak at the beard we are not liable. This law will hold up in the court of law.

Beard Law #61– victoria falls, mount everest, grand canyon, rio de janerio, great barrier reef, paricutin, aurora, the 7 wonders of the world. You know what the 8th is? This beard

Beard Law #62 – Make sure to always take care of your fellow bearded brothers, especially when eating. If they have some food in there give them a heads up or pick it out for them. It’s not weird, it’s bearded brotherhood.

Beard Law #63 – it’s ok to spend more money on your beard than you did for you mom’s birthday. She’ll be glad she raised her bearded son right!

Beard Law #64 – Any ladies looking to get into bull riding can practice on this saddle. If you don’t make the full 8 seconds I apologize in advance.

Beard Law #65 – If your woman tells you not to grow your beard out because she doesn’t want other women trying out the saddle just remind her that eatin ain’t cheatin.

Beard Law #66 –  The Rule of the devil. Edgar Allen Poe once wrote the short story “Never Bet the Devil Your Head” this rule is here to tell you to never bet against your beard. The devil always wins and you will end up beardless.

Beard Law #67– Please remain seated at all times. No leaving the beard seat until lift off is achieved.

Beard Law #68 – Beards are the oldest way of saying my genetics are better than yours

Beard Law #69 – The alphabet rule. If you like the B, you should check out the D and let me get the V.

Beard Law #70 – The Sargeant Pickles Law. Grow the B to get the V.

Beard Law #71 – The Abby Law – No woman should ever go through life never kissing a bearded man. If you are in need of a bearded man kiss please send over your request we have volunteers on stand by.

Beard Law #72 – This hairy face will make your heart race. If you need medical assistance please call 911 or go to your local emergency room immediately!

Beard Law #73– Grow what your father gave you.

Beard Law #74 – If you have a beard and wear robes, you are a wizard,. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you’re a Sorcerer…
…and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you’re not allowed near public schools. So grow your beard and be a wizard.

Beard Law #75 – Yes it’s real. Do I ask if yours are real?

Beard Law #76 – Claude Monet, Leonardo da vinci, Michelangelo, Bob Ross not only can they create masterpieces on canvas they can grow masterpieces on their face.

Beard Law #77 – The Bob Ross Law – painting is a lot like growing a beard it takes patience and persistence for it to become a masterpiece.

Beard Law #78 –  Nothing makes a woman happier than a manly face sweater

Beard Law #79 – Kissing a bearded man is just like going to a picnic, you don’t mind going through a little bush to get there.

Beard Law #80 – These days it seems you need a license for everything. Driving, hunting, fishing, boating, dog, liquor,marriage, pilot . You know what you don’t need a license for? Riding a beard.

Beard Law #81 – If your friends encourage you to shave your beard, don’t wait make new friends immediately.

Beard Law #82 – Date night with a beard might still be Netflix and chill, but she’s going to spend way more time in your beard than the popcorn bowl.

Beard Law #83 –  Studies have shown that not only does a beard make a man more attractive, it makes them better boyfriends. Ladies do yourself a favor and get a bearded man, It’s science you can’t argue science.

Beard Law #84 – I get asked often “Doesn’t that beard make you hot in the summer?” No it doesn’t make me hot in the summer, it makes me hot all year round.

Beard Law #85 – The James Law – A beard requires 25 square foot of space unless in public. Respect the beard space and the beard space will respect you.

Beard Law #86 – When you walk into a place and see a bunch of bearded men gathered. Don’t be alarmed there’s nothing sketchy going on. It’s just your opportunity to add to your spank bank.

Beard Law #87 – Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard after a little girl wrote him a letter and said he’d look better with one. That same girl, however, had no advice about going to the theater.

Beard Law #88 – Beards grow faster when a man hasn’t had sex in a while. So, if you see a man with a very long beard don’t give him a razor, get him a girlfriend.

Beard Law #89 – Beards tell you a lot about a man. Full beard: might live in the mountains. Rugged. Lumberjack. No beard: might play for the New York Yankees.

Beard Law #90 – Studies show on average, a man’s beard will grow 5.5 inches a year. It’s safe to say men wouldn’t mind something else attached to them to do the same.

Beard Law #91 – A man who shaves spends roughly 145 days of his life in the bathroom. A man with a smartphone, wifi, and lotion spends twice that amount.

Beard Law #92 – A dog is man’s best friend. A beard is man’s best wingman.

Beard Law #93 – Beards are for tough guys like Chuck Norris. Legend has it that Chuck Norris’s Beard had to get permission to grow on his face because it was intimidated by his toughness.

Beard Law #94 –  my wife said she would have anal after she shaved her asshole, i didn’t realize she hated my beard that much until I woke up and it was gone.

Beard Law #95 – Who gets served first at the table has been a debate for years. This law puts an end to it. The biggest beard gets served first.

Beard Law #96 -Everytime you shave god kills a kitten. Don’t do it for yourself and all the women around the world that love beards, do it for the kittens.

Beard Law #97 – Jrot97 Law – Women cherish their hair and men cherish their beards. So be respectful to their hair and they will make it worth your wild.

Beard Law #98 – A man without a beard is like a lion without a mane.

Beard Law #99 – The Wayne Gretzky Law – The Great One once said “Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.” this applies to beards as well.  Stop procrastinating grow yours today!

Beard Law #100 –   Beardy Envy Law  – The beard is the single most manly, and great thing a man can do. To have a beard is to be a true man. If you have a beard, show it off proudly, and enjoy the satisfaction of the envy in the eyes of people around you who don’t have beards. If you don’t have a beard, grow one. If you cant grow one and your not past puberty yet, hold out my young friend, your time will come. If you don’t have a beard and your past puberty, go get that sex change you know you need.

Beard Law 1877 –  The Jacob Shick Law – Jacob Shick the father of the electric razor will forever be the arch nemesis of the bearded community.

Beard Law #2019 –   This law goes out to all the dudes that can grow a beard but choose not to. You want new year new me. Choose new year new beard. You won’t regret it. Beard on

Beard Law #5-0 –   All military, police, firefighers, emt, ems, everyone else who can’t grow a beard because of your job, this law is for you! Thanks for all you do and hopefully when you retire you can join the wonderful bearded brotherhood.


Thanks for reading the Beard Laws. Here is your Outro 

Beard On!!